I have been watching you.
Most people think I sleep on the couch all day.
This is misinformation.
I am working.
My responsibilities include:
- perimeter checks
- emotional surveillance
- lunch monitoring
- suspicious vehicle alerts
- greeting enforcement
- rabbit investigations
- advanced stick destruction
- quality control
I take these duties seriously.
When humans enter the shop, I already know several things.
I know who has greeted me properly.
I know who is pretending to be confident.
I know who has been carrying a bad day around since this morning.
I know who is scared to cut their hair.
I know who needs extra supervision.
Some humans walk in loud.
Some walk in quiet.
Some humans keep themselves close to the door at first.
Most settle eventually.
The shop helps with this.
I watch all of them.
Not in a weird way.
In a security way.
There are humans who understand protocol immediately. They say hello. They crouch down. They let me inspect them properly. These humans usually pass inspection quickly.
Others attempt to enter the establishment without acknowledging security.
Concerning behavior.
Additional monitoring may be required.
Sometimes I bark at people.
The humans say I can be “dramatic.”
This is inaccurate.
I simply notice things.
Some humans arrive carrying storms around them.
Some arrive exhausted.
Some pretend they are okay when they are very obviously not okay.
I stay nearby when needed.
Officially, this is not part of my job description.
Unofficially, I am very good at it.
My methods include:
- sitting nearby without asking questions
- nose boops
- strategic leaning
- emotional surveillance from the couch
- blocking pathways until proper affection is administered
I also monitor the humans that work here.
Gabby climbs trees sometimes, which is unsafe and unnecessary behavior.
Jesse is usually more reasonable.
I like Jesse very much.
Sometimes I catch myself watching them the same way I used to only watch Gabby.
Suspicious development.
I now conduct routine supervision of both humans equally.
This includes:
- following them around the shop
- checking on them constantly
- emotional support duties
- making sure they are not disappearing without me
- demanding cuddles at strategically inconvenient times
I watch both of them constantly.
Outside of work, I conduct additional operations.
I patrol forests.
I fight buses.
I protect the neighborhood from suspicious trucks.
I run off leash with maximum velocity.
Sometimes I chase rabbits.
Sometimes I scream at birds for reasons that remain classified.
One time I had to rescue Gabby from the river after they made terrible decisions near moving water.
I do not enjoy swimming.
Sacrifices were made.
Overall, the shop remains stable.
The couch remains operational.
The humans remain supervised.
The community continues arriving exactly as they are.
Acceptable outcome.
— Tala
